by: Matt Simerson
Tuesday 28 Mar 23

Buying Gifts for Matt Simerson


Rule #1 When in doubt - buy him Cisco Router
It does not matter if he already has one.
I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain.
As a man, you can never have too many routers.
No one knows why.
Rule #2: If you cannot afford a Cisco Router, buy him anything with the word drive or array in it.
Geeks love saying those two words.
"Hey George, can I borrow your drive?"
"OK By-the-way, are you through with my RAID array yet?"
Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3 If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his kitchen, a 99-cent garlic press, a small bottle of balsamic vinegar or something to hang from his Moen faucet
Matt love gifts for the kitchen.
No one knows why.
Rule #4 Do not buy Matt socks.
Do not buy Matt ties.
And never buy Matt bathrobes.
Once I was told that if God had wanted Matt to wear a bathrobe, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5 You can buy Matt a new remote control to replace the ones he has worn out.
If you have a lot of money buy Matt another big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner.
Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips. . . .
Rule #6: Do not buy Matt any of those fancy liqueurs.
If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years.
Real men drink milk.
Rule #7: Do not buy any Matt industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant.
I'm told Matt does not stink - in fact he always smells pretty good.
Rule #8: Buy Matt erasable markers.
They are almost as good as routers.
Within a couple of weeks there will be notes absolutely everywhere.
"Volleyball, Camp, Movie Night, Installation, Leather, Cuffs, Food"
You get the idea, no one knows why.
Rule #9 Buy Matt anything that says "some assembly required" on the box.
He will be able to put it together with his hands behind his back without having to read the instructions and will never have parts left over.
Rule #10 Good places to shop for Matt include MacWarehouse, MacZone, Mac Depot, MacConnection, Circuit City, and Computers 'r Us.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is.
"From MacZone, eh? Must be something I need.
Hey! Isn't this a cable for a Quadra 700?
Wow! Thanks.")
 Rule #11 Matt enjoys danger.
That's why he never drives the speed limit - but he will take on anything that doesn't have a flashing blue light on top.
Get him a really fast car with a 100-gallon methanol tank.
Tell him the gas line leaks.
"Oh the thrill! The challenge!
Who wants to go for a ride?"
 Rule #12 Tickets to a football game (only if it's the Super Bowl) are a smart gift.
However, he will not appreciate tickets to a fund-raising dinner for animal rights.
Everyone knows why.
 Rule #13  Matt loves electronic gadgets.
Never, ever, buy a Matt electronic gadgets.
Because if you wait long enough maybe he'll buy one for himself and give you his old one!
 Rule #14  It's hard to beat a really good hug.
Never just pat Matt on the shoulder.
It must be an excellent hug.
Matt deserves it.
 Rule #15  Rope, Matt loves rope.
It takes him back to his cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts.
Nothing says love like 100 feet of manila rope and a pair of cuffs.
Something about liking to tie things up.
No one knows why.
 Lyn Boyer  The Art Farm (circa December 1999)