Lawyer Season

Press Release (02/14/06)

The Texas Parks and Wildlife Department issued a statement today saying Vice President Cheney broke no law by shooting a lawyer instead of a quail over the weekend.

A TPWD spokesman noted that in Texas, lawyers are not considered game
creatures, and are thus not subject to seasonal limitations or bag limits.
It was further noted that lawyer-hunting is encouraged as the state is
overrun with them.

A local food critic said that, contrary to rumor, lawyers do not taste like
chicken, but more like the excrement from uncastrated adult male cattle,
which has long been known to be a major component in their composition.

In all seriousness, I have empathy for Cheney. You see, I nearly shot my own father under very similar circumstances. It was shortly before I moved away from home. We had gotten Crispy, a Brittany Spaniel from a dog trainer and Crispy loved to hunt. His trainer was getting older and couldn’t get out to hunt with him, so he found him a good home with us.

For Crispy, a good day was a day in which we got a bird. My dad, one of my sisters, and I were out with Crispy hunting mushrooms and pheasant. We had been out for a while and my dad and sister decided to return to the house. They told me which path they would return by so that I would not shoot in their direction. They went in one direction, Crispy and I departed in another.

Soon thereafter Crispy pointed. I walked ahead and flushed up a pheasant. As the pheasant flew up, I trained my shotgun on the bird and tracked it as it rose up from the brush. Just as I was preparing to pinch the trigger and knock the bird down, I saw a flash of color beyond the muzzle. In hunter safety classes, they teach a very important lesson. You always, always, always look at the target and beyond.

Instead of going back as they had told me, they decided to check out another mushroom patch on their way back to the house. So, if I had shot them, it really would have been their fault. Knowing they had deviated, my dad was watching and he saw the bird flush up and fly between us. I had my back to them, and as I spun around tracking the bird, he grabbed my sister and hit the dirt. Their dive was the flash of color I saw.

If I had shot, I’d gave gotten the bird and missed them since they had dove for cover, but that was far too close for comfort. So, I really mean it when I say I empathise with Cheney. Even if it’s not his fault, it stinks to be the guy that shoots another person.