Today’s “Top 10″ list is the best ways to insure you have very attentive medical assistance.

• When your wife wakes you to inform you of labor pains, get up and start making cookies for the attending staff.

• Make sure the cookies give off a powerful and attractive aroma. I recommend peanut butter oatmeal cookie sandwiches. Empirical evidence suggests a high degree of effectiveness.

• Make sure they are fresh and warm upon arrival to maximize odor emanation.

• Give one (or two) to the Doctor just before he leaves your room. This will assure that nurses will see the cookie(s) and inquire of their origin.

• Make plenty of cookies. You’ll need enough to satiate the immediate attending staff and the “scavenger” staff who come strictly for the cookies.

• Plan ahead and have a list of “niceties” you can ask the scavenger staff to supply in exchange for cookies. You won’t think of this “in the moment” because there are too many other things to think about, so keep a list. Examples: parking tokens, WiFi access, a wheelchair for daddy to wheel himself around in for amusement, etc. Be creative! Once you have them in your room, the cookie odor is intoxicating and they will be quite motivated.

• Did I mention the need to make many cookies? The scavengers crumb trail will attract other hospital staff.